ATX

Yep, that’s right. I’m here, Austin. Let’s get to know each other. You ready?

Milano Cafe

I almost don’t want to use this as my first post. It was such an incredibly strange experience, and I hope it’s not foretelling of the Austin restaurant scene, in general. But it will be my first post, because it was my first Italian meal in Austin. And Italian food is my favorite food. My last meal will be Italian food. If you disrespect Italian food, you will have to answer to the gods of Italian food…and me.

The place was completely empty when I arrived. It was a Saturday night, and it was completely empty. That raised a red flag. But it looked clean and shiny inside, so I pressed onward. Looking at the menu and ordering is done at the counter. When I asked the owner what he recommended, he replied that the most expensive dish is usually the best. Well, the most expensive dish (lamb) was $16 and the least expensive was $14, so I didn’t find that response very helpful. He said that the entrees came with bread and salad and everything was made from scratch. I settled on the Drunken Linguine in a light cream sauce with grilled chicken, mushrooms, capers and olives.

First, the salad came. The tiny salad. Chopped romaine lettuce. A trace amount of an Italian dressing. Flavorless black olives.  I had forked and chewed one bite of the bland salad when out comes my “made from scratch” entree, not five minutes after ordering. I can only assume that everything was precooked and reheated in the microwave.

The sprinkled Parmesan cheese and freshly chopped basil were nice touches to the plate and gave me hope that it would be more impressive than the salad. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the case. The “light cream sauce”, which translated to “runny”,  was smothering the pasta in a soup-like fashion, and much to a mushroom-lover’s dismay, I spotted A SINGLE SLICE of a mushroom and three capers! It was impossible to tell if the one slice of mushroom was rubbery because it came from a can canned or because it was smothered in the runny sauce. The chicken was not grilled. Instead, it took the form of pre-sliced, pre-cooked strips that can be found in the frozen-foods section of the grocery store. I was seriously questioning the $15 price tag and I hadn’t even tried the pasta yet.

(Ahh, pasta. Lovely, pasta. Did you know there are over 350 types of pasta? A staple of the Italian diet, and the food by which you can judge the cook.)

The flavor of the pasta was quite nice. I later found out that it was “soaked” in wine, which explained the horrendous texture. It was so overcooked that it almost required no chewing. Mark Bittman wrote a piece for the NYTimes about pasta in wine. He said the dish was delicious, but because it “must be prepared entirely at the last minute, it isn’t on the menu at Circo, but you can ask for it and if the kitchen isn’t too busy, they will make it for you.” The Milano Cafe certainly was not busy, so why did they pre-prepare this delicate dish?

On his way outside to resume his cigarette, the owner casually asked how everything was. When I said it was “just okay”, he stopped and came over. I said that the pasta was overcooked, and he told me that he made it fresh and soaked it in wine. I said “that’s fine; it has a nice wine flavor, but it’s still overcooked.” He said I must be used to those dried American pastas. I said, “It doesn’t matter whether you use fresh or dried pasta; it’s still supposed to be cooked AL DENTE.” And having studied Italian, I even pronounced it with the correct accent.

He looked at me like he had never before heard the Italian word “al dente”. I repeated it, in context and even provided a definition, multiple times. He started mumbling that “al dente” was some “cheap, American pasta sauce.” I stared at him with my mouth open and asked if he was even Italian. I told him that “al dente” is not a sauce, but rather a cooking technique that is the first rule of Italian cooking. He said he was from Sicily, and proceeded to say that everything Americans are taught about cooking Italian food is wrong! He said Italian cuisine is different from American-Italian cuisine.

I couldn’t believe I was having this conversation! I told him that I had traveled extensively in Italy, studied the cuisine, and even worked in an authentic Italian restaurant. I know Italian food. And this food wasn’t even as GOOD as some of the American-Italian I’ve had. To his credit, he offered to get me another dish, but my appetite was completely gone, and I walked out.

This guy may or may not be Italian, but he definitely doesn’t know how to cook it…or apparently, speak it.

4601 southwest parkway
Austin, TX 78735
(512) 428-6076